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Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Need this in my life lol
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see