It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
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that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
You learn something every day
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.