Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
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“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”