Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
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Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Mmmm canned fish.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.