TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
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Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Bobby pin
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.