reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
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He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again