There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
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Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
kitchen magnet
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Me irl
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.