I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
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Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I am, perchance
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
waiting for halloween be like:
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*