“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
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I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!