I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
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Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!