mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
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If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot