(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
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guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Finally, a door that understands me
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.