My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
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Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Europe. Made in Germany.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Butt weight. There’s more!
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Sounds about right. 😂🤣