Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
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“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe