Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
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Any refunds available?…
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.