[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
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Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.