I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
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Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
2023 was just a warmup
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”