This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
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*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Somebody call the cops.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”