My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
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Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Oceanography is all about current events
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.