Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
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PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Bed should get ready for ME
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”