Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
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HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap