[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
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Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
dam girl
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.