The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
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[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
why isn’t he texting back
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things