I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
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My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Good dog. ❤️
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.