No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
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INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out