My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
You Might Also Like
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.