I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
You Might Also Like
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave