milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
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Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future