this is the news I live for
You Might Also Like
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow