7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
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[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
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If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill