i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
You Might Also Like
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Good dog. ❤️
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
😂😂😂
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.