I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
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My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
british sex workers really pound for pound
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug