me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
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Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?