so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
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[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
i was baptized in a car wash
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.