*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
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My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.