Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
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ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Lol
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL