If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
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Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.