Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
You Might Also Like
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.