Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
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[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
If only
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
channeling her this year
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!