DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
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Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Scream sneezers need love too.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.