1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
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Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.