I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
You Might Also Like
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’