[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
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Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.