[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
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“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
This is Sparta
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you