Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
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“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?