10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
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Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Wise advice
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage