Imagine having a party on purpose.
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This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.