You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
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* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.