My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.