Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
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Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.